Harry Potter Verses
by Cirinde Nenharma
Summary: All your favourite Harry Potter characters, pairings, events and disturbing behaviours condensed to limerick form for convenience. Suck on that, sparknotes!
1. H P and the P's S

**Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone**

There once was a boy named Potter  
Cold and wet like a Eurasian otter  
Till his door did burst down  
And the giant did frown  
"You're a wizard, I thought you'd be hotter."

So they went off to Diagon alley  
No time to dilly or dalley  
Had to get tools  
To go off to school  
In some bloody cold Scottish valley

Once he sat down on the train  
Harry was lonely again  
He made a new friend  
Who'd be there til the end  
Ron, with red on his brain.

The school was big and called Hogwarts  
With houses and hats to suit all sorts  
'Gryffindor!' yelled the hat  
And that was that  
Harry's joined the house of good sports

The school was run by Dumbledore  
Crazy bastard whom we all adore  
Then there was Snape  
Accused once of rape  
But we all know Lucius wanted more

Essential to note one called Wood  
He really did all that he could  
To see Harry there  
In pink underwear  
It didn't happen? Oh, well, it should!

Harry joined Wood's quidditch team  
This made all the Gryffindor's beam  
And beat Draco's arse  
Right into the grass  
Smarmy git sure did learn how to scream

Then the crazy Professor Quirrel  
Ran up the Great Hall like a squirrel  
Said there was a troll  
Clogging up the plug-hole  
And fainted, like he'd had an epidural

Harry and Ron went downstairs  
To save future good friend of theirs  
Oops, forgot to mention  
Now give your attention  
Hermione, the biggest of squares

The troll was big, ugly and mean  
A hideous shade of green  
But they made short work  
Of that ugly jerk  
He went down like a submarine.

Jumping forward to the mirror of Erised  
Where Harry saw his parents, who are dead  
It's kinda psychotic  
And would be erotic  
If it had been Sirius instead.

But Dumbledore said 'Oh, no!  
That mirror will just have to go.  
It's going away  
In the dungeon to lay.  
If you find it again, woe…'

Jump again into Voldemort's lair  
Or at least, it would be if he had hair  
But the stupid old twit  
Had forgotten that bit  
And grew out of Quirrel's head bare.

Now, we know we have missed some essentials  
Like questioning Snape's credentials  
Harry thought he was bad  
And probably mad  
But Snape was just being prudential

And also, there were the tasks  
That the Dream-Team had to get past  
Giant game of chess  
Was probably the best  
And the rest was just a blast

But Voldemort was truly evil  
And used Harry in his retrieval  
Of the Philosopher's stone  
Which Harry was shown  
In the mirror where he looked like a weevil

When Quirrel tried to re-take it  
We weren't sure if Harry would make it  
He fell to the floor  
And remembered no more  
But the feeling, he just couldn't shake it

But in the end all was well  
And Quirrel has gone to hell  
They won the House Cup  
And then school split up  
And Harry went back home to dwell

Hope you enjoyed this re-telling of the entire book in eighteen simple limericks. And for those of you who were angry at the use of Eurasian otter, prudential and weevil, we'd just like to remind you of the minimal number of words that rhyme with Potter, credential and evil. And for anyone about to question our use of epidural, please give us five words that rhyme with Quirrel (squirrel not included!) and we'll give you your money back (hehe, foolproof plan!)


	2. These are a Few of Our Favourite Things

* * *

These are a Few of Our Favourite Things (excludes dog bites and bee stings)

* * *

Slash pairings is the way to go

There's no other way that I know

So we wrote some verses

Please don't you curse us

Please enjoy what you read below

* * *

There once was a boy named Sirius

Many thought him quite mysterious

He met a boy Remus

With a very large penis

It all made him quite delirious

* * *

There once was a boy named Malfoy

Who had a small thing for the Golden Boy

Fan fiction said 'Yes!'

We all did the rest

My god, that's hot, please enjoy.

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Hope you enjoyed these limericks. We are also available for Weddings, Funerals and Bar Mitzvahs. If you have anything from Harry Potter that you would like limericised, to submit in a review or send un a message. 


	3. Fanfiction Faux Pas

Fanfiction Faux Pas  
Here are a few things we simply can't stand!  
(and Hildegard the Short, the Snape ones are on their way!)

In shit fics there often is mpreg  
All those writers should be given peglegs  
So we can attack  
With chainsaws we hack  
And into their eyes grind some nutmeg!

Look, here comes Mary-Sue  
Who bears a strange resemblance to you  
She gets a good shag  
In everyone's bag  
While the readers all yell out 'poo!'

Oh, yay! It's another OC  
We're not kidding, how crap can they be?  
No, really, they're shit  
We don't like them one bit  
No one likes them! Oh, why can't you see?


End file.
